or “Super Robot Adjective Excitement Perversion Display!”
Starring: Yasushisa “Engine Squadron Go-onger” Furuhara , Itsuji “Death Note: the Last Name” Itao , Akira “Ace Attorney” Emoto
Director & Writer: Noboru “The Machine Girl” Iguchi
“I’ll grind your ambitions into dust!”
Here at The Tomb of Anubis, I strive to give you pièce de résistance AND tour de force. I also like to drop a little bit of knowledge for my audience from time to time with these reviews. Sometimes it’s a little trivial “Hey, at least you know a little more now than you did 10 minutes ago” bit of bonus content. Other times it’s a semi-necessary paragraph or two to help everybody better understand the movie’s content. I can’t guarantee that ALL of these tutoring sessions are about legit info, because I gotta keep you guys on your toes… also, I’m a pathological liar. None of these movies actually exist. I’m also not sorry about my deception, because I’m a sociopath… actually, that’s a lie too. My pet turtle died recently and I cried about it on and off for a good 2-3 hours. Not a sociopathic tendency. I AM a Death God though. And the God of Embalming. I’m licensed and everything. I had to start reviewing movies on the side because the embalming biz has been suffering in recent years due to so many people opting for cremation. It’s become so popular that Nestle has started buying up peoples’ ashes for their new product: Carnation© Creamations! The no-fuss breakfast shake that fuels your body (with someone else’s) when you’re “on the go”! Grandma would’ve wanted it this way…
Sorry about that. My focus issues are a thing of legend. I once stopped mid-embalming for the 4th Dynasty Pharaoh Snefru to make a sandwich and ended up getting sucked into a marathon of “Ramses and the Crocodile” on the Nile Network and… well… let’s just say he didn’t have an open sarcophagus funeral.
Today’s movie traces its roots back almost 40 years to an obscure Japanese tokusatsu TV series called “Denjin Zaborger” (don’t ask me why the ‘e’ is now an ‘a’… LANGUAGE!). What’s a tokusatsu? Well, “tokusatsu” also happens to be today’s vocabulary word! Put on your learning pants!… or any pants. Really. There might be kids watching.
Tokusatsu (toe-ku-sott-sue) – known as “Toku” for short; the literal English translation is “special filming”; a genre of live-action TV series or movie (most commonly of the sci-fi variety) that relies heavily on special effects to tell its story; can be broken down into several subgenres – daikaiju (giant monsters), kyodai (giant heroes), sentai (task force heroes), henshin (transforming heroes), heroines (female heroes), and metal (cyborg/robot heroes).
“Denjin Zaborger” kinda treads the line between metal and henshin, because though it followed the exploits of a human hero “special agent” (named Yutaka Daimon), the main attraction and title came from his robot sidekick Zaborger, who, while made of metal (a mysterious [i.e. fake] metal called Daimonium), also transformed into the hero’s means of conveyance – a motorcycle… with his big robot face right on the front. He was pretty much the basis for Scooter from “Go-Bots”, only without bombarding me with the insatiable urge to slash his tires and piss in his gas tank. Man, fuck you Scooter. Speaking of Go-Bots, what the hell was up with Leader-1’s eyes?! Was he wearing goggles to keep out the sun glare? Was it a yellow Zorro mask to keep his identity as a giant transforming robot secret?! Jeezus.
The movie sticks with the basic themes of the show. Yutaka Daimon (Yasuhisa Furuhara) is a special agent for the Tokyo Police (sans Gore). He’s a karate master, so he can do the usual movie shit like punch holes in concrete, catch bullets shot at him with his bare hands, leap 30 feet through the air, and withstand small atomic blasts with little more than some singed nose hairs and minor nipple chafing. Yutaka used to have a twin brother, but little no-name died of a mysterious illness (possibly caused by consuming man-breast milk… ewwww) while they were still swaddling mini-people. With his brother snuggling in a dirt crib, his mom corpsed up from a complicated birthing, and his dad losing himself in his work with the mysterious (lot of mystery going on here) material known as Diamonium, teenage Yutaka put all of his angry hormonal angsty angst into his training and eventually perfected his signature attack: the Flying Dragon Triple Kick!… which comes with white rice, egg roll, and your choice of soup or soda. And no, that’s not a mildly racist instance of me confusing Chinese and Japanese culture. It’s a joke about how the hero’s big attack sounds like something you’d find under the Chef’s Specials section of the menu at Golden Palace. 😛
Meanwhile, Dr. Daimon’s former associate turned evil cyborg geezer founder of the android criminal organization Sigma, Dr. Akunomiya, wanting to turn the secrets of Daimonium’s power to turn anything it touches into a robot to his own nefarious causes, kidnapped Poppa D. The good (but terribly neglectful) doctor suffered the torments of fat, ugly, shirtless robo men rather than give up his prized discovery, and eventually chose instead to leap to his death from Sigma’s flying castle fortress base of operations… the bottom of which looks like a giant ass. Coincidentally enough, this all took place within eye shot of Yutaka’s new home at the karate combat monastery, so our hero was forced to watch his own father fall a few thousand feet to his death… or would have, had Akunomiya not laser blasted the shit out of the descending Daimon like some kind of clay pigeon meat bag. Total vaporization. You know how they say matter can neither be created nor destroyed? I’m pretty sure that doesn’t apply here. THAT’s how overkilled he was.
Witnessing his daddy’s death, Yutaka swears a life of revenge upon the fiends of Sigma. Returning to the old man’s lab, he finds a message from dear dead dad LITERALLY playing on a projector for him when he arrives. Telling Yutie not to be a whiny little bitch for the rest of his life and tasking him with taking down Sigma himself, the reel also reveals Dr. Daimon’s ultimate creation – the transforming robot motorcycle hero Zaborgar! And to make it all creepy? Zaborgar is powered by the DNA of Yutty’s STILL nameless baby corpse of a brother… Not that creepy, you say? Look at it this way: you ever ride a motorcycle and get an unintended boner/squishy going? Now, imagine if the vibrating thing you’re straddling that’s giving you said arousal is your dead infant sibling’s carcass. Like I said, CREEPY.
Donning his Canadian combat tuxedo (denim pants and vest) and the big red motorcycle helmet with which he gives his robot battle brother his orders, Yuts has battled the denizens of Sigma ever since. Akunomiya’s big plot is to combine Daimonium with the DNA of various big wig Japanese political figures to create a giant robot monstrosity be calls Jumbo Mecha. You’d think collecting politician DNA would be as simple as creating a small army of cyborg prostitutes in school girl uniforms (*wink*wink*), but Akunomiya’s apparently not as slyly perverted as I am. Instead he uses Daimonium to create a council of bumbling misogynist gangsters (whose purpose is never really made clear), a man hating female cyborg named Miss Borg (more on her in a minute), and a legion of really random and bizarre robo monsters that range from a suit of samurai armor with giant lips for a face (for kissing the DNA out of people and imploding their skulls in the process) to a humanoid ant that shoots acid from its mouth and butt (appropriately named “Diarrhea Robot”) to a trio of bikini girls in football helmets with weaponized dinosaur titties (and butts) to a big nightmarish thing that can only be described as what would happen if a giant robot bulldog impregnated a UPS truck, resulting in “Bulldog Car Robot”. The first time I watched this movie, it was 3am and I was very ill. I woke up the next morning fairly sure that I’d hallucinated the whole thing. Upon re-watching it for the sake of this review, I was both relieved and terrified that all of these things had actually happened.
Back to Miss Borg, her DNA material was taken from a heartbroken woman who was dumped by her boyfriend shortly before (or perhaps causing?) her death. As such, she’s a man hater of the militant caliber, deeming all men as spineless, deceitful, shitbags. She’s got the Super Deluxe Premium Hotshot package of extras too, including a detachable rocket head, stun gun antennae, electro-whip, mouth snake (pretty sure that’s a pleasure attachment), and multi-purpose robo attack bra that includes boobular rockets and French tickler tentacle swarms. In other words, if they made an action figure series based on this movie (which it was absolutely made for), she’d be the one with more features than you could list on the box. It’d make $50 for an 8” piece of plastic full of choking hazards seem reasonable. Throw in a voice chip of her weird Japanese ghost lady laugh and I’m sold!
As for her place on the Sigma totem, MB is Doc Aku’s heavy and the leader of his DNA extraction task force. But, more often than not she ends up being beaten with an electrified rod as punishment for her frequent failures due to Yuti-Fruiti’s meddling. Sigma’s bumbling council, being he-man woman haters, naturally do not get along with Miss Borg and constantly assault her or make their own attempts to foul up her missions. They only solidify her disgust with those who pee standing up, which drives her into the arms of Mr. Chivalry… also known as Yutaka. In an attempt to give Borgia an edge against the good guys, Aku gives her a be-boobed transforming fighting robot motorbike accessory of her own – Black Hawk! Not to be confused with failed ’80s action show icon Street Hawk. Awwww yeah! “Street Hawk” reference in your FACE! *HIGHEST OF FIVES*-
The tag teams rumble, and amidst the breasticle bombs, robo-panties, flying kicks, and sexual tension, MB and Yuts end up smacking lips. Giving in to their throbbing bio-mechanical urges, they run off to screw in a beach-side hobo cave, where our hero loses his robo virginity (at the ripe old age of 22) in a bizarre flurry of screaming and metal tentacles and electrocution and oral serpent bludgeoning. It’s actually not as weird as it sounds. I fucked a toaster oven during one lost weekend and it went down pretty much the same. Like a very special episode of “The Jetsons” written by Irvine Welsh under possession by the ghost of the Marquis de Sade. Not recommended for anyone who hasn’t fantasized about affixing a fork to their genitals and sticking it into an electrical outlet at some point.
…by Isis’s vibrator, I’m oversharing like this is a Howard Stern interview.
After getting his dick wet (with 10W-30), Yuti’s dalliance with deviance is walked in on by his little bro-bot in a moment of sibling awkwardness. Should Z be happy that big brother’s finally getting some, walk away and leave them to it? Should he chew out his big brother right there for sleeping with the enemy? Should he just not say a word (not that he can talk anyway), play some Marvin Gay through his head speakers, and slip in between them freak style like it’s no big deal? Borg looks like she might be the “fingercuffs” type… Anyway, this naturally causes a rift between the Daimon brothers. And to turn this poo drizzle into a full blown diarrhea tsunami, recent issues with a corrupt politician named Watasugi (Yutaka kinda karate chopped him in the face for being a dickbag… while the guy was laid up in a hospital bed following a Sigma attack) have not only gotten Yutaka suspended from the police force, but also earned him an arrest-on-sight order. Blinded by boner love for Miss Borg, and wearing prescription strength hate glasses at the bullshit politics that have put him on the wrong side of the justice system he’s fought so passionately to uphold, our hero seriously considers an offer by Doc Aku to join Sigma… and I just realized that “Doc Aku” sounds like an intense Japanese guy saying “Doc Ockoo”. To the PhotoShop!
The turmoil results in yet another tumultuous tussle as Sigma snatches up a bevy of politicians. When the police intervene and try to take down Miss Borg, lovestruck Yatta-Tat-Tat orders Zaborgar to turn ’em into bacon. Z defies his brother’s orders, displays free will for the first time ever, and stands down against the boys in blue, opting instead to go after Borg while Yats does his own dirty work, throwing down with the 5-0. Wielding his bro mad-on like a rocket launcher of jealousy, Zaborgar kamikazes himself and takes Miss Borg with him, leaving nothing in the explosion’s wake but Yat’s regret, sadness, and blue balls. Also known as my dating life in high school.
So ends chapter one (entitled “Fight!! Karate-Robo Zaborgar!”), and so begins chapter two (“Hang in there Daimon! Adrift on the Sea of Life!”). This is pretty much where I’m gonna wrap things up. I’ve got shit to do. Death God shit. Shit that may or may not include sending threatening emails to NetFlix for suggesting I watch a Korn concert video. It may not be possible to punch a video streaming service, but I swear on the Eye of Horus I’m going to try my damnedest.
For the rest of our feature we fast forward 25 years into the future. Yutaka is now 47 (and played by much older actor Itsuji Itao), and still wearing the exact same outfit he thought was cool at half his age, fingerless gloves and all. Since his little brother’s suicide bombing and the subsequent death of his first (and only) lover, the special forces wing of the police department that employed him has been de-funded and disbanded, and the only job he’s been able to hold has been as that dick cheddar Watasugi’s chauffeur so he could humiliate the hero for the rest of his life. Watasugi, who has been Japan’s prime minister for the last two and a half decades, and turned the country into a nuclear eyesore thanks to his ties with… wait for it… Sigma. Yep, Doc Aku’s still kickin’. And after 25+ years of abducting prominent figures and pilfering their genetic material (repeatedly saying “DNA” just makes me think of jizz), Jumbo Mecha is on the verge of completion!
With all of his previous mecha monster minions all scrap and crap, Doc Aku’s got two new creations under his employ – cyborg schoolgirl Akiko (who will also serve as Jumbo Mecha’s brain) and perpetual “Japanese scene boy” Akitsuki, who’s a hell of a martial artist and Black Hawk’s new driver. But, he can’t drive Black Hawk! That’s a girl bike! I mean, it’s literally female! It has boobs and a skirt and it’s back tire doubles as its thing! Gross. You’ll never catch me on a girl bike… unless it’s just ’80s Barbara Crampton on all fours with little wheels clutched between her hands and feet going “vroom vroom”. Oooooo, would I put my dipstick in her oil tank. Hubba hubba!
As if life couldn’t get less worth living for Yuts than it’s become, Watasugi has finally had enough of demeaning our protagonist these many years, and fires the poor schlub for NOT running over an old lady in a crosswalk. Now, unemployed and forced to move in with his former amigos from the police force (whose lives have all become just as terrible, if not worse, despite forming the League of Smiles), it doesn’t look like our diabetic, nigh-quinquagenarian good guy is gonna have the gusto to save the world from the forces of automaton evil when his Flying Dragon Triple Kick is limper than his old man dong. But, the good guy’s gotta win somehow, right? Maybe with the help of the grinning might of the League of Smiles!? And what of Zaborgar? Can he really be gone for good, given that it’s his friggin’ name in the title?! Find out when you watch Karate-Robo Zaborgar!
Or don’t. I’m not gonna make you. I’ve got a pizza on the way and don’t have time to Clockwork Orange your ass right now.
With the right video filters, you’d have no idea this wasn’t a ’70s tv show the likes of which the material it’s based on. And not just because the budgets are probably comparable. No, it’s because said basis is that fucking loyal to the source material. Just by watching the end credits reel of footage from the show, you see where everything in the movie came from and how much love for it the minds behind the movie are radiating. I’m not going into specifics (again, pizza and punching NetFlix), but if you watch the movie and sit through the credits, see what I’m referring to. The super appropriate music and sound effects just drive the point home further. A lot of the movie is so over-the-top, it makes the actual Over the Top look like Schindler’s List. If you don’t like a “crazy as bird dicks” movie, you shouldn’t watch this, because it is the definition of “crazy as bird dicks”… that fart exploding rainbows… which make you simultaneously shed a tear and smack yourself in the head.
I had no idea what “Denjin Zaborger” was before this movie. I’ve yet to see it after this movie. But I am a fan of it in spite of this truth. I’m rarely a fan of things I see, let alone of anything sight unseen, but I’m a fan of “Denjin Zaborger” because 35 years after its broadcast, Karate-Robo Zaborgar is the result. Unfortunately, the only version of the show I could find was a DVD set on Amazon that the seller wanted $200 for… can I start a Kickstarter for something like that? Would 40 people pony us $5 each to help me get that set if I promised to review it?! Or, how about 10 people pony up $20 each, then I’ll burn everybody copies?! Shit, I totally need to look into this Kickstarter thing now.
After researching the show, I’m really hoping someone makes another Zaborgar flick too. Either a sequel with a new hero taking up the denim and partnering with Zaborgar, or an “alternate universe” movie, the type of which Japanese serieses are fond of. My solitary reason for wanting this to happen? Later in the show, there was a new enemy faction revealed called The Dinosaur Army, who get only a brief breastatorial reference in this movie. This group (a second evil faction looking to take out their sole competition in Sigma), was led by a sinister tri-cranial dino boss named Triple Neck Demon… THAT IS MY WHOLE REASON FOR WISHING THIS WOULD-BE MOVIE INTO EXISTENCE! I WANT A MOVIE WITH A VILLAIN NAMED “TRIPLE NECK DEMON”! Shit, I’m so aghast by the moniker, I’ve looked into legally changing my name to Triple Neck Demon. Another subject for another Kickstarter? I think maybe yes. Only problem is gonna be going back through all those fucking hieroglyphs and painting the extra heads on all of my pictures…
Anyway, if you’re in the mood for something crazy (and have 2hrs to kill), I recommend KRZ. I found it on NetFlix (who may or may not be suffering from a punchening), so start your search there. It’s not perfect. It overstays its welcome by about 25 minutes. Also, even I have my limits for how Japanese something can get. But, it takes me back to the days of my childhood, when the cartoons were little more than 20 minute commercials for toys padded with 10 minutes of actual commercials for toys, and there were 2-3 hours of them every afternoon, followed by another 4-5 hours on Saturdays. It was rampant consumerist brainwashing of children by today’s standards, but as one of the brainwashed, it was great being a drooling vegetable when you had a Battle Damage Skeletor in your hands and said drool tasted like Orange Kool-Aid.
– “I can’t handle anything abstract right now!”
That dude in the back is either shooting eye daggers at Beardo, or eye penises. Maybe penis daggers? Yeah, that’s definitely a hate-fuck gaze.
Lady Slug and her Gardeners of Doom! Their arch-enemies? The Human Salt Shaker and The Brisk Pace Walker!
In the future, Fleshlight production will be taken over by Japanese Skynet. They will evolve. The machines will win.
The Japanese Village People!
“Get off your knees. When I said my head could use a good polishing, I meant the metal half of my face. I replaced my penis with a nail gun years ago.”
You can hardly tell they’re twins.
GAH! I see somebody’s also watched “Family Guy“! GAH! GAAAAAAAAH!
It’s a lot funnier not to explain this one. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT!
Well, it’s good to know that at least one of the Big Bad Beetleborgs can still find work.
“Taco Bell’s new HOTTER fire sauce really lives up to its name!”
The new UPS trucks do a great job of scaring off unruly dogs.
Somebody’s taking the whole “bombshell” thing a little too literally.
“Though I appreciate your aggressive stance on helping me maintain my personal hygiene, your pimple removal methods are a bit too extreme for me.”
Finally, a Japanese production that has the female fucking someone else with tentacles rather than being fucked by them! It’s a bright new day for women’s equality in the Land of the Rising Sun!
Sorry Japan, but the Lingerie Football League made a mockery of female athletes before this.
After decades of being destroyed by giant reptiles and insects and tinker toys, you knew it was just a matter of time before a giant rampaging cosplayer on her cell phone was going to do the same.
“Evil? FUCK EVIL! What is evil in the face of… THE LEAGUE OF SMILES?!”
Anubis will return next time in
“Jim Henson’s Parody Babies”
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