Episode 22 – Our RoboCop Remake (2014)

or “I’d Buy THAT for a Dollar!”

Featuring: Trevor “Miss March” Moore , Sam “The Whitest Kids U’Know” Brown , and a cast of dozens of people I’ve never heard of before

Directors: Kate Freund , Matthew Freund , Hank Friedmann , Ariel Gardner , Alex Kavutskiy , Wade Randolph , Jon Watts , Scott Yacyshyn , Mike Manasewitsch (These are just the ones listed on the movie’s IMDB page. The rest of you, get yourselves in gear and get some recognition!)

Writers (of the original RoboCop screenplay): Edward “Starship Troopers” Neumeier , Michael “Deadly Weapon” Miner

Origin: USA

Review_____

“Creamy habanero ‘Justice Sauce’!”

This was originally meant to be the second half of a “The Future of Law Enfarcement” double-feature to correspond with the release of the RoboCop remake. Though that deadline came and caught a cab home right after, I still wanted to do this review. Not so much because I’ve got anything interesting to say about it, but because I wanted to make its presence known to anyone who hasn’t yet heard of this…this…well…read on.

Promoted with the tagline “Because if anyone’s going to ruin Robocop, it’s going to be us.”, Our RoboCop Remake is a weird little parody/homage to the Paul Verhoeven classic that embodied the worst elements of ’80s sin culture within one of the slickest, goriest, most quotable package you’ll ever see. When MGM (or, the much more ubiquitous “Hollywood” if you prefer umbrella terminology) announced that they were going to drag RoboCop kicking and screaming into the 21st Century, amongst the chorus of groans and boos were 50 particular bemoaners from Los Angeles and New York who banded together (under the guidance of a guy named Dave Seger) to form their own production company, “A Bunch of Filmmakers”, and do their own twisted version of the already twisted original. Taking to crowd funding, they raised the meager capital required to bring their monster to life, so whether you like it or love it, you have the internet to thank/blame. Dividing up into groups, with each group tackling their own section of the screenplay, ORR isn’t a shot-for-shot recreation, but a scene-for-scene reinvention of Alex Murphy’s metamorphosis from everyday Peter Weller into the tin can genocider of crime that’s part man, part machine, and all cop!

For those unfamiliar with the story of RoboCop, for shame. It’s a beautifully crafted tale of humanity and hope that’s inspired entire generations to better themselves…and will forever alter your image of Red Foreman from “That ’70s Show”. The year is 2043/2044 (based on the in-movie news report of Sylvester Stallone dying from a failed head transplant at the age of 97) and Detroit appears to have climbed from its current shithole into a slightly nicer shithole with slightly better technology! See that, denizens of the annual Forbes Magazine’s “Most Dangerous City” list five years running? You’ve got something to look forward to now! Keep reaching for that RoboRainbow.

The rancid stink of big business runs rampant through the streets of the city, to the point that mega corporation Omni Consumer Products has actually purchased the Detroit Police Department! In an effort to replace inefficient human officers (what with the donuts and pensions and shooting minorities and such), OCP plans to develop an artificial intelligence option. One possibility is the Enforcement Droid Series 209 (or ED-209) – a massive robotic tank with legs that can take down a small army on its own… but can’t navigate stairs for shit. Did these fools learned NOTHING from the AT-ATs in The Empire Strikes Back?! Barring rocket propulsion, robots need some kind of tire or tank tread option for mobility, NEVER legs! Oh yeah, and ED also has a problem (and no, not E.D.) with his operating system where he accidentally murders innocent people in violent slow-mo spectacles of gore that would give Sam Peckinpah a boner the likes of which could drill through the fabric of reality itself.

ED’s malfunctions are not good news for the guy backing the ED-209 program, OCP exec Dick Jones. These fatalities are good news for up-and-coming junior corporate dickhead Bob Morton though, whose RoboCop program is vying for the DPD contract itself. The project revolves around turning dead cops into crime fighting cyborgs. Unlike robots, cyborgs have a human brain that lets them make…human decisions…like…what flavor of syrup to put on their waffles at IHOP…I don’t know. They’re just better for some reason. They need a dead cop to fill their prototype’s big steel boots though, and that unfortunate test subject comes in the shape of one Alex Murphy. A family man, Aryan poster boy, and one of those guys who likes to spin his LOADED gun irresponsibly around his finger just to amuse his kid, Murphy’s transferred into the Old Detroit (i.e. crime ridden slum town Detroit) Precinct and is paired up with hard nosed, no-nonsense lady cop Anne Lewis. With two of the best cops on the force now together, they’re ready to kick some law breaking ass!…and Murphy is almost immediately shot into a hundred pieces by evil super criminal (and infamous widow-maker of more than a few dozen pigs’ spouses) Clarence Boddicker. Clarence turned to crime after a childhood of being called “Claire” by his peers drove him over the edge. I can’t blame him. If I had a name so easily twisted to one of the opposite gender, I too would have become a sadistic sociopath who patched the holes in his soul with cocaine and dismembered hookers. I’m gonna break character right now and thank my parents for naming me “David”.

Though the Detroit super cop manages to not die immediately after being blasted into so much pulled pork by “The Bod” and his gang of cackling goons, Lewis gets him to the hospital only to have her new partner croak his last in the clutches of the 37th ranked health care system in the world. Hey, still better then Brunei! SUCK IT, BRUNEI! Kids, the lesson here is that trying is the first step toward failure. Never try. Just let your associate die like an animal, reassured that there’s nothing you could’ve done, then go home and drown your sadness in whipped cream flavored vodka, microwave burritos, and the most shameful porn you can think of. You deserve it. As for Murphy, he has yet to deserve his final peace, and is swooped up by the RoboCop program to be their spokesborg. After months of remodeling (goodbye penis, hello five speed hand-mounted vibrating data spike!) and testing, RoboCop is released into the custody of the Old Detroit Precinct, where Lewis recognizes him almost immediately. Robo’s human brain taps into some very human revenge urges too, and he goes after Boddicker and friends…who it turns out are in the employ of one “Big” Dick Jones…did you hear something?

I knew I heard something. So, shit goes crazy. Explosions, rioting, abuse of power, heavy weaponry, property damage, our heroes on the wrong side of the law they once served, a man with really stupid sideburns melted by a wave of toxic waste, Laura Palmer’s dad gets blown to high fuck, a highly sophisticated robot squeals like Ned Beatty on a canoe trip, and somebody gets served the world’s deadliest pink slip out of the business end of a Beretta machine pistol. All reasons that RoboCop is a landmark of overindulging awesome.

With that out of the way, let’s talk about Our RoboCop Remake. Done on a budget of what the cast and crew found in the pockets of their laundry and under the cushions of their furniture, the scenes are a mishmash of mediums ranging from live-action to animation to puppetry to live action heads super-imposed over action figures to that weird thing they do on late night talk shows where they use still frames from the movie and everybody’s mouth is replaced by someone else’s moving lips. The scene in the DPD locker room is even done in the style of a Taiwanese news computer animation reenactment, and the voices are run through one of those voice modulators that makes everybody sound like Stephen “Professor Speak & Spell” Hawking!

The good thing about this method is as follows – if you find yourself hating a scene for whatever reason, you can find solace in the knowledge that it will end soon and you’ll be watching something different very shortly. On the downside, if you really like one style, it can bring down the next segment solely because it’s different than its predecessor. Also, if you’re uncomfortable around dicks, like, you couldn’t sit through Watchmen because Dr. Manhattan’s big blue D Train gave you nightmares? Stay away. There’s peni all over this bitch. Sure there are a few tits here and there, but other than that this party is almost exclusively sausage based. It’s a tube steak boogie. It’s the Bizarro World version of Cheech Marin’s Titty Twister manifesto – all the pussies are now peckers. We’ve got rubber dicks, digital dicks, exploding dicks, dickasaurus, Dicks Jones, dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick! How many dicks is that? “A lot!”. So, yes, if you’re suffering from Phallophobia (the medical term for dick fear), save yourself some PTSD and walk away.

For any fans of the short-lived sketch comedy series “The Whitest Kids U’Know”, cast members Trevor Moore and Sam Brown both appear in Remake, though not in the same scenes together. Brown even appears in two scenes, as a different character in each! They didn’t make it into the IMDB credits (neither did a LOT of people, frankly), but I’d recognize those goobers anywhere. As for whether you should watch it or not, I liked it well enough. I won’t pan it, but I will praise it for being an interesting concept. Some of the scenes were great, some were okay, some just made me eager to get it over with so we could move on. But, when you have a project like this, you’re not gonna make something that everyone, or really anyone, is going to like 100%. Hell, chances are you’re more than likely to find people who hate it 100%, but those people tend to be knobs anyway. Either way, in this version, yes, Bobby can fly! Way to keep thinking those happy thoughts, Tinkerbell!

I had notes on other talking points to hit, but made the dumbass mistake of trying to save a sheet of paper by using a digital notepad instead of the real thing. Know what I did? Forgot to save it. Blart. So, here’s where we stop. On a positive note, now that this episode’s over, how about we head out to Subway for lunch and pick up a RoboCop Fiery Steak Footlong? Hunger has a new enemy: Subway – where RoboCops eat! 😀

Moral of the Story: Give a bunch of independent movie makers the chance to freely reinterpret someone else’s work and it’s statistically impossible that at least a couple of them won’t just slap dicks all over everything.

Screenshots_____

This looks like a scene from some weird ass David Lynch dinner party.


I had a joke for this shot, but all I can think of is how uncomfortable I am with where my seat is right now…


You gotta be careful these days. You never know when you might get popped in the eye by an errant corporate logo.


They met on the set of Let My Puppets Come and it was love at first sight… and if you know what the Hel I’m referring to, then I tip my talons to you, Sir/Madam.


Babies dressed like adults… cuz it’s… cute? Whatever. I’m just sticking ’em up here to sucker in the weirdos who like this kinda crap. Your clicks sustain me.


Featuring a cameo by Zach Galifianakis as “fat, white Scarface”.


For anyone who ever thought “South Park“‘s animation style looked “too realistic”.


“This may seem like the kind of gig that’s beneath me, but… well… after Miss March bombed, I’m lucky I’m not scrubbing toilets for a living.”


GAH! HE’S A STREET SHARK IN DISGUISE!


… Hey, it’s still better looking than the Hollywood remake model.


“ARGH! MY ROBO BACK! My old Base Wars injury’s acting up again!”
(and another big talon tip to those of you who got THAT reference as well)


NOT a promo for Our Ricochet Remake, based on the screenplay for the 1991 Russel Mulcahy movie starring Denzel Washington and John Lithgow… or is it? Make it happen, crowdfunding community!


I’m not gonna lie – I have no fucking idea what’s happening here. But, I took the screenshot, and I’m gonna use it, damn it!


Jerry Seinfeld voices a neurotic professional hitman in his new animated series “The Nebbish Professional“, coming to NetFlix this Fall!


Now we all know what Max Headroom’s nightmares look like.


That awkward moment when you and a co-worker show up in the same outfit… and you have to pull a gun on them because they refuse to go home and change.

Anubis will return next time in
“Even Death May Die”

Enjoy the review? Hate the review? Have a movie you’d like to see judged in The Tomb? Fill out the feedback form! Never has it been easier to make contact with a deitic being!

All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.

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