Some Spoiler-Free(ish) Thoughts on Godzilla 2014

As mentioned in my review for Godzilla 2000, I did indeed make it out to the big comfy recliner chairs of my local AMC Loews (with my pockets and jacket sleeves stuffed with snacks and drinks from the nearby Dollar Embargo) to partake in the new Big G-stravaganza. Overall, I was very pleased. I won’t be doing a full review until the DVD releases (or 3 weeks before, when the internet cavaliers make it available to the masses), because I gotta have my  screen shots, but here are a few bullet points cuz I like to stick my unsolicited opinion out there! Just think of me like your friendly neighborhood flasher! …and no, you can’t call the police on me for reviewing movies near playgrounds, so don’t bother.

– Godzilla himself looked great. The computer generated effects looked great. I’m happy with the new, bulkier design. If you hated the sleeker “bulimic” 1998 version, this is pretty much as far opposite as you can get without Godzilla looking like a 500ft tall William Howard Taft. I would’ve preferred a more traditional mouth blast, but the burning blue napalm thing was good too, in a “that’s different” way.

– I’m glad I stayed away from spoilers, because the new MUTO monster came with a few surprises that I liked being surprised by. MUTO’s particular method of offensive evolution is a little story specific though, so… that’s weird. But evolution’s weird sometimes, right? I mean, he could’ve been a giant platypus or something.

– The kaiju combat is… interesting. I mean, there’s a LOT of it, but I would like to have seen… more of it? If you’ve seen it, you get where I’m coming from. If you haven’t seen it yet, you’ll understand after you do. Coming from the director of Monsters though, I pretty much expected this.

– Finally, I don’t mind the human-centric story at all. Godzilla is generally more a story element than a starring role for any movie. He can’t talk (and the one time he did it murdered my soul as a boy), so his movies are always more about what the humans are up to and how they plan to stop him than watching big monsters throw down for an hour and a half. My major quibble though is that the Brody family has both the worst and best luck of ANY trio in the world. I mean, they gotta eat Luck Charms 5 times a day and walk under ladders while they do so. It’s a little ridiculous.

Also, as a sequel has already been announced due to the MASSIVE near $200 million the movie took in worldwide for its opening weekend, here are a few things I’d like to see happen:

– In the movie, Godzilla is referred to as being the closest thing to an actual god that has ever walked the face of the Earth. In lieu of his big coming out, I want to see a Church of Godzilla. It doesn’t have to be a major plot point, I’d be happy with it being seen in a brief news clip on someone’s TV.

-Do not bring back the Brodys. There’s no reason. Bring back Ken Watanabe though, because it makes total sense.

– Instead of updating a classic Toho monster, given the aforementioned stressing of the “God” in Godzilla, have him fight a modernized embodiment of a god or god-like creature. Cthulhu. Quetzalcoatl. Leviathan. The Phoenix. The Kraken. Or do a Destroy All Monsters and just toss ’em all in there!

– Please don’t call it Godzilla 2. Go the traditional route and call it Godzilla Vs. (Monster’s Name Here). Or go with the Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters idea in case the world ends before there can be a third movie.  Personally, my life would be complete if it turns out they call it Gigantis the Fire Monster and Anguirus is the antagonist…

– GIVE ME JET JAGUAR!

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