Quickie 06 – Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre (2018)

or “This One Time, At Band Kampf…”

In honor(?) of Charles Band’s birthday (Dec. 27th), I thought there was no better way to celebrate than shed my lead-lined protective suit and expose myself directly to the fatal radiation of his latest (and, likely, lowest) attempt at monetizing his longest running franchise. How long? Not counting the alternate universe kickstart that also released this year, The Littlest Reich, nor the glass canon (see what I did there?) SciFi Channel Original Vs. Demonic Toys, the story of Band’s murderous marionettes has written its 11th chapter as of last calendar’s Axis Termination, catching up to the 11 volumes of lore attributed to the Jason Voorhees legacy (also not including its related reboot). You’d think the puppets would’ve reached that milestone much sooner, given Band’s personal experiences with “Chapter 11”s…

”You trying to trick me?!”

Did you know that aluminum is a “sustainable metal”? It can be recycled infinitely without any loss of material! While Charles Band is known for recycling certain pieces of footage between flicks, it looks like he’s pushing for Puppet Master to be the first “sustainable movie franchise”. Blitzkrieg Massacre is not an actual movie, rather it’s the first installment of Full Moon’s latest dedication to CB’s apparent “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” fetish: Bunker of Blood. And just what in the name of Sutek’s sweat socks is that?!

BoB is a series of thematically assembled movie clip compilations scavenged from Full Moon’s back catalogue, introduced via static illustrations and narrative voiceover that see a nameless wanderer compelled to traverse a post-apocalyptic wasteland. The mysterious force behind this urging resides in a bunker with decayed corpses stacked upon its doorstep, much like the newspapers do when your neighbor goes on vacation to one of those orgy cruises. No-name enters the bunker, where a sinister presence edge lord-ing itself up the moniker of “The Gore Collector” commands the man to have a seat and watch one of Gorey’s horded wealth of… VHS tapes.

Yep. If you thought that the media of the future was going to be preserved in a digital format on massive server banks, you lose the office pool. Turns out the format of the future is fragile, decaying strips of mylar encased in bulky polypropylene bricks. Go figure.

And for the next hour, we’re “treated” to a constant piss stream of killing scenes. Not just the money shots, but actual scene bits that give us zero context and make little-to-no sense for anyone who hasn’t seen every movie! I…don’t…what…but… WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR!? Even for gorewhore types, the PM movies aren’t exactly known for their graphic or impressive death scenes! How many times can we watch Blade randomly slashing someone’s face, Tunneler perforating another leg, or Leech Woman spitting slugs into somebody’s mouth? It’s not even strictly puppet kills at that! There are several scenes of those stupid little totem demons from parts 4 & 5 killing people (i.e. actors rolling around while clutching them and screaming) and one where a woman with syringes on her fingertips stabs a guy in the chest.

While I’m thinking about it, did none of the little ankle slicers in Retro Puppet Master kill anyone, or has Greg Sestero finally made enough money to have an injunction placed against Band reusing any footage from it ever again? Why am I even wasting time trying to suss the logic behind this…I can’t even call it a movie! This makes Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 look like an Academy Award nominee for Best Original Screenplay in comparison!

Once the final clip ends (Kraus’s execution from PM3), there’s a hint of a storyline for our comic book intro as the blood bunker of bloody blood’s viewer/victim’s body starts to twist and mutate into a monstrous mass of mangled limbs and tumorous masses. Goresworth Von Collectorschmidt drops clues about a hospital the amnesiac man-turned-monstrocity apparently escaped from, as well as knowledge of an uncanny ability Nameless supposedly possesses that allows him to withstand incredible pain. Though, in this case, “incredible pain” translates into “60 minutes of boredom”, so in that regard I guess that would make me a gods-damned Achilles.

The disembodied voice also reveals its plot to groom this humanoid horror as a successor, becoming the new Gore Collector. He (and we) are finally threatened with the next chapter of BoB; “Deadly Dolls – Deepest Cuts”. As much as it pains me to admit it, I will be watching it, because I want to see just how far retard Band’s clan plans on going with this particular bullshit caravan.

Obviously influenced by the EC Comics horror anthology monthlies of the ’50s, the only thing of interest from this entire effort (or effart, as it is) is the bookend in-animation segments. Had the creative types behind these segments gone further with the concept, refitting the clips into some semblance of a narrative, it may actually have been a half-way decent attempt at a cash grab. That said, Full Moon also should have gone full-in (**rimshot**) on the “vault of videotapes” gimmick and released the Bunker of Blood chapters exclusively on red VHS cassette tapes with bootleg looking labels on them and oversize “Wizard Video” era boxes. Have Band himself sign them, sell ’em for $10 a pop, and you’ve got a b-movie collector’s wet dream!

Would’ve been a ton of tits better than the fifteen-fucking-dollar DVDs they’re actually released on! Yep. $15. For 60 minutes of regurgitated footage. ON DVD. And the digital version? $8. FOR A PIECE OF SHIT CLIP SHOW! I’m going to rupture a literal fissure in my Fissure of Rolando if I have to talk anymore about this emotional kidney stone. END!

Moral of the Story: The old saying goes, “drive it until the wheels fall off”. Charles Band asks you to hold his beer while he Gorilla Glues the wheels back on, then proceeds to “drive it” another 100 miles. He has officially out Corman’d Roger Corman at this point.

Final Judgment:

One Big Turd (Played On a 60 Minute Loop)



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