Quickie 30 – Hush (2016)

or “Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil, See LOTS of Evil”

Hush. Hush. Thought I heard her calling my name now. Hush. Hush. She broke my heart but I love her just the same now. Lyrics so deep. Lyrics so purple.

“…” – Maddie

Another initiate into the Gimmick Thrillers Movie Club, the protagonista of tonight’s feature is Maddie: a deaf-mute author who has exiled herself to a handicap-friendly home in the nigh-solitary surroundings of “the woods”. Though she does have a few friends in the area, for the most part she’s cut off from the rest of the outside world..with the exception of phone service, internet, and the possibility of a telegraph machine in the basement. One thing she DOESN’T have is a direct emergency security alert line to the local police or fire departments, but maybe her last book didn’t sell THAT well.

In traditional cinematic torment, Maddie becomes the prey for an ambitious predator (simply credited as “The Man”, to which Becky Lynch and Ric Flair would no doubt disagree) that conceals his identity behind an uninspired Eyes Without a Face knock-off mask. Seriously, those Rejuvenique facial cleansing appliances are at minimum 17.4% more horrifying than what this guy’s picked out for his big murderer’s night out. A pallor visage counts as scary? If this guy ever found himself in Ireland or at a Cure concert, he’d probably shit himself into a fatal case of dehydration!

Our backwoods mantagonist must fancy himself one of those sexy white trash Daryl Dixon types too, since his weapon of choice is a crossbow. Granted, it makes for far less aural feedback than a firearm, but it also screams “wannabe survivalist” so loud that it would fuck up the echo location ability of a passing colony of bats. [Editor’s Note: Your man was good in The Belko Experiment AND looks like a non-union equivalent version of Kenny Omega, so the wannabe survivalist gimmick gets a pass. For now. If he ends up using a crossbow in another movie and it isn’t a joke, points will be subtracted accordingly.]

The cat and mouse game we’re audience to is pretty much what you’d expect from The Movie Duplicator Engine and suffers a smidgen from over-telegraphing its path. However, to its credit, the high tension works and the cinematography keeps much of the action visible despite the middle-of-the-night mood lighting. In the end, Hush does its job and it does its job more than capably. Nothing to break the tried and true stalker flick mold, but a step above your standard mundane murder movie.

Moral of the Story: It’s called a “home security system”, people. If you’re gonna live out in the middle of fucking nowhere AND you’re exceedingly vulnerable due to a lack of sensory perception, INVEST IN ONE!

Final Judgment:

Three-and-a-Half Rejuvenique Masks out-of-Five

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All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.

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