Quickie 51 – A Quiet Place (2018)

or “From a Whisper to a Scream”

I signed up for a free trial of Paramount+ this week and, having already watched every episode of ‘Ren and Stimpy’, thought it might be a good idea to catch up on some spookshow shit I’m behind on. So, let’s air out our filthy gum holes, prepare ourselves for a visit from the Nerve-Endings Fairy, and see how Dunder Mifflin Inc.’s favorite HR nightmare handles himself at the end of the world!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!” – Man in the Woods

Wait! This is a Platinum Dunes production?! Fuck! By Isis, already my butt burns with the sand of a thousand dynasties! Seriously, if there were any possible way I could put Platinum Dunes on a Catherine Wheel, I would. Blart.

Anyway, Wagons East. The world of A Quiet Place is an “after the fall of man” type scenario where humans are an endangered species. For reasons we seemingly don’t need to know, a species of blind monsters *ahem* “visually impaired creatures of an inhuman nature” have made their predatory trek to the top of the food chain and left we meager soft-bellies on the verge of extinction. There’s no exposition to tell us how these creepers managed to defeat EVERY MILITARY ON EARTH despite having NO offensive capacity other than slashing their scythe-like appendages in the direction of EVERY NOISE THEY HEAR (I guess no one remembers how Peter Graves fought the giant locusts of Beginning of the End), but I guess we’re meant to sit back and play stupid…

A year and a half into the human race getting black flagged, the Abbott family are actually holding up pretty well given the situation. Fortunately, teen daughter Regan is deaf, so their knowledge of sign language allows them to “talk” to each other without sounding the dinner bell for the beasties… who don’t actually eat people so much as just, again, lash out at any noises they hear because they hate sound… For. Fuck’s. Sake.

To help the audience along like the dimwits they think we are (or, as some of presumably may be), the family’s hidey-hole is littered with visual hand-holding like dry erase boards brandishing survival tips and old newspapers laying around with blisteringly bold headlines like “THEY CAN HEAR YOU” and “STAY SILENT, STAY ALIVE”. Given that it’s been over 400 days since the takeover started, do the Abbotts really need all of these reminders on how not to die? Do they each suffer from Memento-itis?

In order to STAY SILENT and STAY ALIVE, father Lee has taken the extreme measure of laying down pathways of sand from their middle-of-nowhere farmhouse base of operations all the way to the nearest town so they can travel barefoot on supply runs without being heard. I’d ask which beach he took these tons upon tons of sand from or, while we’re at it, how he managed to get an entire basement full of communications equipment together without making enough noise to attract these seemingly auditorily omniscient super beasts AND how they manage to power said equioment (and the hundreds of lights strewn about the property) without something loud like a GENERATOR, but again, if the THREE writers of this flick couldn’t be bothered to build this world properly, why in Lucifer’s armpits should I care? I quit.

I get the idea that this is supposed to be a movie more about its themes and drama and metaphors for hardship and raising a family and grief and blah blah blippity blap. I get that its meant to be a stage for John Krasinski and Emily Blunt and whatever the kids’ names are to show their real-life families that the years they spent in acting school were not a waste of time and money. But, if you’re going to go the dramatic-thriller-horror route, don’t bite off more than you can chew by throwing some science-fiction in “for fun”. You’re shooting your dumbass self right in your dumbass foot. If you need that fantasy element to it, just use zombies. Zombies are the go-to for lazy writers. You can go with the established rules put forth by the thirty-thousand ghoul-a-go-go showcases that came before it. Just make them blind like de Ossorio did! There you go! Don’t create a whole fucking species of monster whose backstory you’re not going to flesh out or give them such an obvious weakness that only a young girl can figure out entirely by accident! Fuck! Fucking fuck this fucking movie.

I could go on for another ten pages about how this bullshit flick cares less about its own gods damned story than Larry Buchanan did about Attack of the the Eye Creatures and how it has plot holes big enough to fit Unicron’s dick into, but my medication’s kicking in. Once daddy feels the click, it’s time to flush the toilet and let someone else deal with the shit. Later, taters!

Moral of the Story: When building wooden stairs, make it a point to never put ONE GIANT NAIL STICKING UP THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF A STEP. I mean, it seems like common sense, but amid this drowning pool of dumb-fuckery common sense is anything but.

Final Judgment:

Two Ninja Mimes out-of-Five

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All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.

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