Quickie 53 – Halloween (2018)

or “It’s Pronounced ‘Sow-When'”

Halloween isn’t a reboot/remake/revision of 1978’s big deal stabby movie of the same name. Technically, it’s a reboot/remake/revision of 1981’s big deal stabby movie sequel, Halloween 2. Why isn’t it called Halloween 2 or Halloween Again or Halloween Harder or something that would imply it’s a new sequel rather than a new series entirely? Fuck if I know. Lack of creativity? Why not. I have no problem with branching off into different timelines for a franchise. Halloween did it once already with H20, after all. Hell, Godzilla’s entire Millennium series (yes, with one exception, I know) centered around the whole concept of each movie existing in a different timeline following the events of the 1954 Godzilla. But you know what Toho didn’t do? Call any of said sequels GODZILLA! Maybe if Blumhouse weren’t so busy throwing together music sting jump scares for every single one of their movies, they could’ve addressed this. Uggh.

“They were feeding me guacamole in all these sexy ways.” – Oscar

So, here we go: 40 years following the Halloween Massacre (does 4 people count as a massacre, really?) of Haddonfield Illinois and *cough*cough* years following the murder of Judith Myers by her little brother Michael, said sadistic sibling has grown old in the walls of the Smith’s Grove sanitarium. MM has spent the whole time playing “who can be quiet the longest” while the sole survivor of his babysitter killing fetish, Laurie Strode, has become a crazy shut-in grandma hiding away from society and training herself to be a survivalist. More hygienic than being a crazy cat lady, that’s for sure, but a life poorly lived mired in fear and PTSD nonetheless.

Apparently the state (I loved that show) has decided there’s no reason to keep MM institutionalized on the tax payers’ tab, so they’re shipping his ass off to prison to live out the rest of his days… on the tax payers’ tab. Sorry to say he doesn’t make it to the slammer though, because that would make for an interesting tale seeing Mikey in gen pop!

A pair of fucking podcasters of all people (onea wanna be Richard Attenborough and the other a poor man’s Karen Gillan) get a hold of Mike’s original mask and decide that provoking the mute murderer is the best course of action to getting him to finally break his decades old silence, but the brute no-sells the whole scene. Of course our killer breaks free in transit, ends his captors (all off-screen) and is guided by the power of the mask (well, the power of a Ford Bronco) to the imperiled podiots, where he adds to his bodycount, gets himself a stinky old pair of overalls, and reclaims his face. Reunited and it feels so good, Myers goes about his horror business and starts stalking teens and adults alike in his hometown again, including Laurie’s granddaughter Allison and her friends until Grandpa Shape and retirement home Sarah Connor finally throw down in a battle of the geriatrics that AARP Magazine called “A genuine stool loosener! Better than Exlax and without the chalky aftertaste!”

Despite stepping in the occasional pile of bull poopy, Halloween is a solid slasher overall. A fitting follow up to the first, if you ask me, which you kind of are given that you’re reading this. It’s basically on par with original H2 in my book as nothing revolutionary, but it doesn’t really need to be. It’s good and brutal, if a little long-in-the-tooth. I’m even okay with the twist involving Mikey’s new caretaker, Dr. Not-Loomis, though the movie overall would’ve been just as good if that bit of storyline had ended up on the cutting room floor. No slasher flick needs to go over 90 minutes. 

One thing I do feel it necessary to decry though is one scene of the soundtrack. It’s a remix of the original movie’s theme, but it ruthlessly assaults us with blaring and frequent metal machine *BWAAAAR!* sounds. Yep. Coulda done without that. Not my bag, baby.

:::Obligatoryi Mke Myers Michael Myers Mix-up” (also known as an M5) gag here:::

“I’ve got hepatitis, baby! Yeah!”
Moral of the Story: Laurie Strode must’ve shit under the kitchen sink of the Myers family home, because that’s the only in-movie logic as to why Michael would be so dead set on killing her entire family…

Final Judgment:

Three-and-a-Half Bottle of Centrum Silver out-of-Five

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All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.

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