How Reviews Work

“Those who can, do. Those who cannot, JUDGE!”

For those new to the Tomb’s ratings system, I operate on a 0-5 point system. Five for the absolute apexes of my personal entertainment, zero for the movies that feel like I’m living the experiment scenes from A Clockwork Orange, and everything else for everything else.

For my returning friends, I’ve made a minor visual change to the system. Rather than pentagramified smiley faces and copyrighted denizen of safety Mr. Yuck, movies are rated on a more Egyptian themed scale (representing the Cradle of Civilization! WHAT WHAT!), using the following icons:

It’s the concept of the goddess Ma’at and her Scales of Judgment: I weigh the dead’s hearts against Ma’at’s golden feather of truth and justice to deem them worthy of passage into the kingdom of Big Daddy Osiris, or just worthy of being fed to Ammut, a crocodile-lion-hippo demon that would devour them entirely. The 5 star movies that I love more than I would my own child (if I had one), are given Ma’at’s feather, as they are the standard by which other movies should be judged. Movies ranging from 1 – 4 will be given disembodied hearts, pretty much as an arbitrary placeholder for basic ratings. Finally, the absolutely irredeemable sin orgies of agony will be fed to Ammut, who will digest them thusly, leaving behind nothing but a very appropriate pile of bitter excrement.

Don’t ask me to explain how a soul can be turned into solid waste, let alone retain hand bones with which to do this. Just go with the MST3K credo of “Just repeat to yourself ‘it’s just a show, I should really just relax’.” Something we can agree on? Ammut must’ve had a bitch of a time passing that thing…

So, there you have it. Not too complicated, but always good to give people a reference in case things are unclear, if for no other reason than to avoid the inevitable emails of “What the fuck am I looking at?!”.

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