Feature Reviews

New to the Tomb and want to see what you’ve missed? Here’s a convenient, easy to use guide to put you on the road to all the entertainment you’ll ever need in life and the afterlife! Compared to the Quickies, these feature-length musings are the tantric sex of bad movie reviewing!

Just hover over the links for a brief description.

100 Tears (2007)
or “How Gurdy Got His Groove Back”

1313: Bigfoot Island (2012)
or “Poppin’ a ‘Squatch”

23:59 (2011)
or “What’s Eating Gilbert Chan?”

31 (2016)
or “Send In the Clowns”

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)
or “The Great Emancipator (of Heads)”

American Psycho (2000)
or “Scum Yuppies Must Die!”

Android Cop (2014)
or “The Sixty Dollar Man”

Ankle Biters (2002)
or “They Prefer to Be Called ‘Vertically Challenged Living Impaired Motorcycle Enthusiasts'”

Antibirth (2016)
or “The Psychedelic Conception of LSDizzle”

Apokalips X (2014)
or “What Fight Through Yonder Window Breaks?”

Arachnid (2001)
or “Where Monsters Dwell”

Ash Vs. Evil Dead: “El Jefe” (2015)
or “The B-Team”

The Babadook (2014)
or “Scary Stories to Tell in the Outback”

Batman: the Killing Joke (2016)
or “The Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day”

Beneath Still Waters (2005)
or “Haunt of Horror”

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)
or “The Doctor is In(carcerated)”

Black Dynamite (2009)
or “African-American Explosive Device!”

Black Santa’s Revenge (2007)
or “Let’s Scare Megyn Kelly to Death!”

Branded (2012)
or “Business is My Business and Business is Good… BUSINESS!”

Cannibal Killer Clowns on Dope (2009)
or “The Inbred Clown Posse”

A Christmas Horror Story (2015)
or “Tales From the Cryptsmas”

City Under Siege (2010)
or “Big Top Beatdown”

The Condemned (2007)
or “Stone Cold Killers”

The Condemned 2 (2015)
or “Snake’s On a Game (of Death)”

Cthulhu (2007)
or “Even Death May Die”

Danger 5: Series 1 (2011)
or “Glorious Bastards”

Dead Man’s Hand: Casino of the Damned (2007)
or “Viva Spook Vegas”

Deadpool (2016)
or “The Little Merc Made”

Dead Rising: Endgame (2016)
or “Not Just Another Zombie Movie (Yes It Is)”

Dead Rising: Watchtower (2015)
or “There Must Be Some Kinda Way Outta Here”

Dead 7 (2016)
or “What Do You Call 8 Teens at Crystal Lake?”

Death Race 2050 (2017)
or “Faster, Frankenstein! Kill! Kill!”

Death Racers (2008)
or “The Faygo 500”

End of Days (1999)
or “Last Vatican Hero”

Evil Bong (2006)
or “Criminalize It”

The Fall of the Louse of Usher (2002)
or “Love. Love Will Tear Us Apart Again.”

Faust: Love of the Damned (2000)
or “Son of Satan”

Fresh Meat (2012)
or “How Sweet”

Friday the 13th (2009)
or “Mommy’s Little Monster”

Gacy (2003)
or “Pogo’s Big Adventure”

Gallowwalkers (2012)
or “Walk Like Aman, Talk Like Aman, Kill Like Aman”

Garuda (2004)
or “(The Unexpected Vishnu of Ignorance)”

Godzilla 2000 (1999)
or “Children of a Lesser Godzilla”

Godzilla Resurgence (2016)
or “The West Wing: Tokyo”

The Greasy Strangler (2016)
or “The Murderous Misadventures of the Crisco Kid”

Grindhouse: Death Proof (2007)
or “Sex and the City 3: Blood on the Backroads”

Grindhouse: Planet Terror (2007)
or “Dicks Don’t Get Wet”

The Guardians (2017)
or “In Soviet Russia, Copyright Laws Infringe You!”

Halloween (2007)
or “The Shape of Things to Come (Looks Kinda Like William Shatner)”

Hatchet (2006)
or “Trim-the-Fat Tuesday”

A Haunted House (2013)
or “It’s Okay, I Have a Black Friend”

A Haunted House 2 (2014)
or “Un-Living Color”

Hell Baby (2013)
or “Jim Henson’s Parody Babies”

Herbert West, Re-Animator (2017)
or “Herbie Goes Bananas!”

Iron Man: Rise of Technovore (2013)
or “Tony Starkner’s TechWar”

Journey to the West (2013)
or “Monkey Shines”

Kaiju Mono (2016)
or “Yano Shrugged”

Karate-Robo Zaborgar (2011)
or “Super Robot Adjective Excitement Perversion Display!”

Kids Vs. Monsters (2015)
or “Willy Wonka’s House of Horrors”

Killjoy (2000)
or “Homey Don’t Play That”

Krampus: the Christmas Devil (2013)
or “May Krampus Never Cramp Us”

Krampus: the Reckoning (2015)
or “Santa’s Claws”

Land of Smiles (2017)
or “We Turn Your Frowns Upside Down”

Left Behind: the Movie (2000)
or “Heaven is Full of Naked People”

Life After Beth (2014)
or “Night of the Living Ludgate”

The Lords of Salem (2012)
or “Jim Henson’s Rob Zombie’s Rosemary’s Baby’s Babies”

Monster Brawl (2011)
or “From Beyond the Mat”

Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? (2016)
or “Would You Offer Your Throat to the Vampire with the Camera?”

Mr. Jingles (2006)
or “The Man Who Laughs (and Kills)”

My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)
or “Miner Indiscretions”

The Neon Demon (2016)
or “Monsters of the Runway”

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
or “Pizza Puss Reborn”

The Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012)
or “Jeffrey Combs Dies at the End”

The Nun (2005)
or “Spirit of Vengeance”

Our RoboCop Remake (2014)
or “I’d Buy THAT for a Dollar!”

Outcast: “A Darkness Surrounds Him” (2016)
or “The Love Below”

Phantasm: RaVager (2016)
or “Balls of Fury”

Pizza (2012)
or “Life of Pi(e)”

Pizza II: the Villa (2013)
or “Another ‘Slice of (After)Life’ Story”

Pontypool (2008)
or “Radio Ga Ga, Eh?”

Preacher: “Pilot” (2016)
or “The Three People You Meet in Texas”

Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies (2014)
or “The Wrestling Dead”

Puppet Master: the Littlest Reich (2018)
or “Adolf Hitler’s Muppet Babies”

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys (2004)
or “Toys In Babeland”

The Quiet Ones (2014)
or “Silent But Deadly”

The Raid: Redemption (2011)
or “Complex Problems”

The Raid 2 (2014)
or “Undercover Boogaloo”

Rare Exports (2010)
or “Santa Claus is Coming to KILL!”

Return to Nuke ‘Em High Volume 1 (2013)
or “Alma Mind Over Alma Mater”

Rise of the Zombies (2012)
or “Save the Patients! Burn Down the Asylum!”

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let’s Do the Time Warp Again (2016)
or “Even Smiling Makes My Face Ache”

Rocky Horror Show Live (2015)
or “It’s Not Easy Having a Good Time”

Romasanta (2004)
or “Werewolves. Mayhem. Soap.”

Saint Nick (2010)
or “Black (Pete) Christmas”

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (2015)
or “Heads on Pianos: Return of the Black Gift”

Santa’s Slay (2005)
or “Murder on 34th Street”

See No Evil (2006)
or “The Grand Kill-the-Rest Hotel”

See No Evil 2 (2014)
or “Raising Kane”

Shark Exorcist (2015)
or “Your Mother Sucks Fish Sticks In Hell!”

Shoot ‘Em Up (2007)
or “Kill Kill Bang Bang”

Sinister Squad (2016)
or “#SquadHoles”

Stage Fright (2014)
or “Everybody’s a Critic”

Tag Team (1991)
or “The Tomb of Anubis Pilot Review”

Tales of the Black Freighter (2009)
or “It’s an Open Sore on a Putrid Shore”

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
or “Shittin’ On the Schlock of the Bay”

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)
or “Dog Will Hunt(ing)”

ThanksKilling (2009)
or “You’reWelcomeMurder”

The Tick: “Pilot” (2016)
or “Return of the Return to the Blue Galoot”

Unholy Women (2006)
or “Crazy Eldritch Asians”

Venom (2005)
or “Spider-Man’s Not In This One Either”

Welcome to the Jungle (2007)
or “Appetite for Duodenum”

Wiseguys Vs. Zombies (2003)
or “Minor-Ass-Itch Rides Again”

Woke Up Dead (2009)
or “Napoleon’s Waterloo”

Would You Rather (2012)
or “Guess Who’s Dying at Dinner”

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead (2015)
or “Ghouls ‘n GearHeads”

Yoga Hosers (2016)
or “Nepotism: HoseblIVion”