or “Let’s Scare Megyn Kelly to Death!”
Featuring: Ken “Dawn of the Dead” Foree , Todd “Metal Messiah” Robinson , Danny “‘Grimm‘” Bruno
Director & Writer: David “Uncle Tom’s Apartment” Walker
Intro: Merry Cthulhumas! Or, if you’re one of those weird “alternative” religion types, Happy Non-Denominational Gift Exchange Day. As your gift this year, I’m taking us all to Gator World! In the meantime, I give you a stocking stuffer to hold you over: this review is the introductory feature to my concept of the “rerun” here in the new Tomb. While I won’t be importing most of my old stuff from the original site (saving those for the book[s]), and though I lost most of my prior works thanks to poor planning on my part and Yahoo purging inactive data storage accounts a few years ago, I still have access to plenty of my musings on bad movies made in this millennium. Since that’s the only real limit I’m holding myself to as far as reviews go for the new Tomb, I figured why not save myself some trouble on weeks I’m too burnt out or busy to write something new, re-edit these old articles, toss in “Intro” and “Xtro” (kudos to you if you get the joke there) sections, take some new screen shots, then *SPLORT!* we’ve got “reruns”! For you longtime fans, it’s a chance to re-live remnants of the glory days, and for those only familiar with my current crop of contemplations and condemnations, well shit, it’s new to you! If you like it, great! If not, you’re not paying anything to be here right now, so boo fuckin’ hoo you leech, don’t read ’em. Whatever your alignment on the matter, here comes some holiday boom boom in my rerun review for Black Santa’s Revenge!
It didn’t occur to me to rerun this review until two weeks ago when FUX “News” anti-personality megyn kelly (those lower case letters are not a typo, I promise) stated on the air that, not only are Santa Claus and Jesus Christ real, but they’re both white… she later gave us her best half-assed argument that the whole thing was a “joke”, but the seething manner with which she made her initial comment (in response to an editorial by Slate contributor Aisha Harris about making a race neutral Santa in the form of a penguin) is the only proof you need that she was genuinely flustered, likely offended at the idea of Santa being anything other than a white man… even though the original Saint Nicholas upon which much of the Santa myth was establish was a Turkish dude… a lot like how Jesus Christ was from the Middle East… so, believing that either historic figure was Caucasian displays a willful ignorance that makes my stomach churn and my fists clench. The same way they do whenever someone thinks the programming on FUX is actually “news” in anything but name only. News is the relaying of facts and information, not the vomiting, consumption, and re-vomiting of extremist opinions and ignorance smeared editorials. That entire cast of characters needs ethnic cleansing, then all of their parts should be broken down to their basic components and returned to the Earth so nature can start again.
Anyway, I thought there nothing better to make people like megyn kelly shit their granny panties with horror and disgust than BSR! Hence, our alternate episode title, “Let’s Scare Megyn Kelly to Death!”… in which her name is only capitalized because it’s being used in a title, and not due to any misguided sense that she deserves the respect of a “proper noun”. I just hope I used enough Reynold’s Wrap on my laptop while it was kept in storage to keep the freshness of funny and/or offensive in these old reviews. Oh well, I guess we’ll find out!
Original Review: I’ve always had a soft spot for Death Wish flicks. I’ve always taken an interest in Christmas themed bad movies. I’ve always enjoyed Ken Foree. Take these three and duct tape ’em together, wrap ’em up in a happy little bow, then plant the resultant triumvirate under the mistletoe and you get Black Santa’s Revenge: a tale of season’s beatings for the whole family to love!… provided everyone in your family is 18 or older and enjoys excessive violence.
This lovely little mess of holiday cheer was pointed out to me on the forum over at badmovies.org. Currently being shopped around in the hopes that St. Nicholas will bring its creators a Christmas contract to turn the short into a feature, I figured that buying a copy of the DVD will only help get Ken Foree that much closer to his next starring role. Was it money well spent? Well, that depends on two things: (1) If the crew gets the fundage to make their feature and (2) If Black Santa’s Revenge is even worth expanding beyond it’s 20 minutes running time.
Ken Foree (star of the original Dawn of the Dead and one of Rob Zombie’s cinematic entourage since The Devil’s Rejects) plays Black Santa; a dude who decks himself out in the red & white and sits his ass on a big leopard print throne each year so he can listen to poor kids ask him for commercially packaged happiness. Not your average mall Santa like the ass grabber in Elves, BS actually does the job as part of a charity group who passes donated toys on to the tots to bring them a little holiday cheer and hopefully keep them from becoming street statistics a little longer. It’s not going to be a very silent night this year though, as 2007’s big haul is hijacked by a quartet of lumpy thugs wielding shotguns, who lay out BS and Grinch the kids’ Christmas cheer! And what are the 5-0 gonna do about recovering the community center’s stolen merch? Jack and shit, and Jack’s off pinchin’ yule logs into Grandma’s figgy pudding. And so begins, that’s right, Black Santa’s Revenge! Yes, our feature has a title! In celebration, allow me to try and be a little creative with the next paragraph:
Laying out the look out and busting the thug’s nose,
Black Santa cocked his 12 gauge and into the air the honky blood rose!
He spoke a few one-liners and went straight to work,
exploding fools’ heads and ventilating each jerk!
The ruckus he caused resulted in such a clatter,
anybody left alive was severely assaulted and battered!
Through gritted teeth his vengeance gave a whistle,
as every motherfucker in the room was whipped with a pistol!
Black Santa takes a few shots but he’s not down for the count,
cuz that mofo keeps firing till his ammo’s run out!
Even with two slugs in his arms and losing blood fast,
Black Santa refused to stop kickin’ punk ass!
And from the streets of the ghetto to the columns of Stonehenge,
now all you kids know the story of Black Santa’s Revenge!
Yeah, I’m no Clement Clarke Moore, or even an Andrew Dice Clay, but I thought that was pretty good. As for the short itself, I really enjoyed it! There’s plenty of bloodshed, foul language and even a few tits here and there, plus it still carries this whole ho-ho-ho holiday happiness and “good guys beat the bad guys and Christmas is saved” stuff to keep it lighthearted and jolly. Could it be extended into a feature? I don’t know. Compressing it into 20 minutes works because there’s really no time for the audience to get bored with it and chances are it will leave the majority of viewers either content with it or wanting more. On the plus side though, as I said before, 90 minutes of Ken Foree is usually better than 20 minutes of Ken Foree, so if there’s ever a Black Santa feature and the man’s in the lead, I’m there.
Furthermore, despite a few budget restricted special effects moments where I had unpleasant flashbacks of Night Crawlers, I was really happy with writer-director David Walker’s work! The whole short is based on an original comic book of Walker’s and even without the obvious hint (“You look like you just came out of a comic book!”), the man’s use of black & white shots and scene transitions give BSR a very well done four-color feel. I’m still not 100% on whether it could be turned into a full-on movie, but if it’ll help Walker get noticed and give bad movie lovers a Ken Foree Christmas classic to break out every December, then by all means, it should be turned into a feature!
Xtro: Sadly, it looks like Black Santa’s Revenge: the Motion Picture isn’t likely to be realized any time soon, if at all… at least in this reality. Who knows, maybe in some other dimension along the cosmic wavelength the vibrations of existence varied just enough from our own that Ken Foree as a shabby Santa vigilante replaces Jim Carrey as the live-action Grinch (which rhymes with “pinch”, that stands for “loaf”, as in “of shit”) and became a celebrated annual classic to rival the likes of Rudolph!… well, Ernest Saves Christmas at least. Either way, in our existence Dave Walker wasn’t able to pull off the feat that Jason Eisener managed with Hobo With a Shotgun (the original short of which ALSO came out in 2007), despite my whopping contribution of $10-$20 that bought me the DVD (and some neat-o stickers!). But, given today’s new Kickstarter-centric world of crowd funded projects though, I’d never rule out the possibility for a Black Santa resurrection! I’m keeping my talons crossed.
Now, while megyn kelly and her cohorts at FUX Opinions have a Ku Klux Kinda Kristmas, to the rest of you I bid a “Happy HOLIDAYS”, kiddies! 😀
The Moral of the Story: Don’t dick with St. Nick! You try to piss in his cereal and he’ll carve out your bladder and make you use it as a sippy cup! Then he’ll rip out your intestines, use ’em to make sausages, then make you eat said sausages! Or, he’ll just feed you the business end of his shotgun. Whatever he’s got time for, really.
Anubis will return next time in
“Heaven is Full of Naked People”
Enjoy the review? Hate the review? Have a movie you’d like to see judged in The Tomb? Fill out the feedback form! Never has it been easier to make contact with a deitic being!
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.