Quickie 58 – Werewolf By Night (2022)

or “Jack and Ted’s Bogus Journey”

Oof. After Morbius I could use some hair of the dog (man) to wash the stank out of my mouth. As such, let’s take a look at another Marvel horror character who received their own live-action adaptation in this, the year of our Lord Pumpkin, 2022. Courtesy of Disney+, the rats may be coming, but Werewolf By Night is here!

“I can’t wait to find out what breed of evil you are.” – Verussa

In the Marvel Universe, monsters are a real thing. Zombies, vampires, kaiju, mummies, shapeshifters, they’re all here. The MCU hasn’t really given us much of the beasties, but they’re there. And when you have monsters, you’re going to have monster hunters to, well, hunt them. Given that said monsters don’t likely have any protections under human law, this gives said hunters the chance to hunt humanoid prey without the threat of murder charges. One such hunter, and probably the most well known among their type, is Ulysses Bloodstone. Or rather, was Ulysses Bloodstone, as the great white hunter has skinned his last lycanthrope. Upon his death UB’s prized possession, the Bloodstone (that’s a weird coincidence), is now in need of a new owner. Normally it would just go to the next-of-kin, but given that the old man’s only offspring, Elsa Bloodstone (who looks like Jessica Jones and fights like Natasha Romanov), has been estranged from the family strangeness for the last 20 years, additional measures must be taken.

Oh wait, Elsa (not to be confused with that Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheikhs or that She-Wolf of the SS) returns at poppa’s funeral to claim her birthright, so everything’s hunky-dorey! What’s that? It’s not? Instead there’s going to be a contest between the world’s greatest monster hunters to see who can earn the supernatural artifact for themselves? Okay then. Elsa will have to compete to the death in a hunter battle royale against Not-Blade, Not-Donnie Yen in Blade II, Not-Bearded Kurt Russell with a Scottish accent, Not-David Bowie and Not-Sexy Goth Spanish Preacher character in a hunt for a beast that’s been loosed on the grounds of Bloodstone Manor with the family’s namesake strapped to its back. So, provided that Elsa survives the wrath of her opponents (who all have a mad-on for her), will she still be able to wrestle her inheritance from the mystery monstrosity? Tune in, true believers, and find out!

Werewolf By Night feels like a love letter to not just Marvel’s merry monster history, but to classic (re: old) horror movies too. Remember when the bulk of black & white creature features from the ’50s and ’60s were only about an hour long, so the episodes of “MST3K” they featured on were preceded by a short just to pad out the show? Although it’s brief, remember what your mother told you: it’s not the length that counts, it’s the girth. And by stuffing an entire modern feature into a 60 min time frame, Werewolf By Night is a girthy experience.

On top of the “leave them wanting more” runtime, the flick’s also shot with a black & white aesthetic calling back again to that old timey motif. I bet Rob Zombie was jealous when he found out after Universal of all companies (who were made off the backs of some of the most well known b&w monster movies), forced him to do The Munsters in color. Even better, WBN‘s practical effects and monster suit-ery only further the call backs to a simpler time. Forgive me for being that old man, but I can’t help but yell at the proverbial computer generated cloud. They’re just so ugly so often!

Ultimately, if you’re a fan of the old school stuff and are looking for a nice “to the point” tale that won’t take up your entire afternoon, Werewolf By Night may just be up your alley! It was certainly up mine…consensually. If you don’t wanna pony up for a D+ subscription to see it though, just grab a free trial! And if you already used your credit card for a free trial in the past, just start filling in the numbers randomly until you find one that works! Remember to cancel before the trial ends, kids. It’s not theft if you don’t charge any money to it!

Moral of the Story:  Everyone should strive to have their corpse made into a wind-up carnival novelty. It’d make funerals much more charming. More so if accompanied by someone playing a flaming tuba. Black metal oompah bands are the fucking shit. \\m//\\m// (Editor’s note: MORE BLACK METAL!)

Final Judgment:

Four Bombus out-of-Five

 
 
 

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All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.

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