Feature 14 – Left Behind: the Movie (2000)

or “Heaven is Full of Naked People”

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Featuring:  Kirk “The Growing Pains Movie” Cameron , Brad “Supergator” Johnson , Gordon “Blood & Donuts” Currie

Director:  Vic “The Legend of Gator Face” Sarin

Writers:  Alan “Spawn” McElroy , Paul “Judgment” Lalonde , Joe Goodman

Origin:   USA

Review_____

“Maybe the common factor isn’t in those who were taken. Maybe it’s in those who were LEFT BEHIND.” (Yes Virginia, we have a movie title)

In the time since I’ve been out of the proverbial “game”, more than a few gullible fucks on the face of the Earth thought the Rapture was around the corner… not to be confused with the raptor that’s around the corner… AND IT’S RIGHT BEHIND YOU! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!… Sucker. Undiagnosed lunatic Harold Camping (who died recently… and yes, he was ultimately deposited in Ammit’s litter box, if you were wondering) got faithful followers of the ab ripped hippie masochist known as Jay-Zeus to believe that their imaginary father figure in the sky was finally ready to scrap his grade school science fair project ant farm (you know it as “Earth”), bring all of his loyal ants home to roost alongside him with Lando and the rest in Cloud City, and leave those monkeys not willing to stroke his petty ego by worshiping him (pretty insecure for a cosmic being… and this is coming from a cosmic being, mind you) back on Earth, which will be given over to Satan (one of the “infallible” one’s many failures) who will take the former realm of man under His management as a brand extension of Hell. We’ll still have most of the comforts of life, like Slush Puppies and Subway franchises, except Slush Puppies will be made of actual puppies and Subway’s five dollar foot-longs won’t be sandwiches, but foot long lengths of really splintery wood, wrapped in rusty barb wire, and covered in your choice of incendiary before being set afire and jammed directly into your asshole. I recommend the ethanol. It burns a beautiful blue and doesn’t sting nearly as much as gasoline or butane.


(the REAL reason the Rapture was canceled)

Though I could have (and probably should have) gone with a review for the far superior Rapture flick This is the End as my movie-of-choice, instead I opted for today’s feature, which puts me at the complete opposite end of the world ender spectrum – a place where only the likes of Kirk Cameron (and possibly eagles) dare tread. A place where science is a house of lies (except, you know, the branch that made all of the technology needed to shoot their fucking movie) and bananas are proof that creationism is the only true -ism. And if you don’t get that last bit, do a search for “Kirk Cameron banana” and let the One True God known as “The Interwebs” lead you down the path to enlightenment… cuz I’m sure as shit not posting a link to anything Mike Seever takes as gospel just because a banana salesman told him so.

Our film (video) today is based on the book series of the same name, which is basically the Book of Revelation as written by Tom Clancy. Or, as we horror movie aficionados call it, Omen III: the Final Conflict. Of the trio of writers who adapted the tome for the glowing tubes of the direct-to-video movie market, Joe Goodman has written nothing else (which includes the Left Behind sequels), Paul Lalonde has written nothing but other Christian “movies” *cough*propaganda*cough*, and Alan McElory… well, he’s a really interesting story. Alan’s other bodies of work include a few screenplays for some decidedly un-Christian movies, especially Spawn, about a hyper-violent vigilante superhero from Hell, and Halloween 4, which started Michael Myers down the path to becoming the unkillable mystical enforcer for a cult of evil druids. I wonder why Mr. McElroy wasn’t hired to write on the screenplay for Left Behind 2: Rapture Boogaloo

Okay, enough dicking around. Let’s gut this piggie and play in its entrails! We open with the news that Israeli scientist (He’s a witch! BURN HIM!) Chaim Rosenzweig (Colin Fox) has discovered a miracle formula that can turn acres of desert into fertile farm land. In the wake of a global food crisis, few things are more newsworthy than an agricultural advancement that will allow mankind to feed the starving millions of the world!… except maybe the latest nude pictures hacked off of some b-list celeb’s iPhone. Covering the reveal of Chaim’s great creation is his American friend, GNN (Global News Network) reporter Buck Williams (Kirk Cameron). Being played by Cameron, it should come as no surprise that Buck is a massive doofus. He does have one of the stupidest white guy hero names of all time to further bury any credibility he might’ve had as a protagonist. You do have to love the irony, though. I mean, having an investigative reporter played by a guy who just believes everything he’s told without any factual evidence to back it up (Kirk Cameron’s a bible thumper is what I’m alluding to) is pretty funny casting if you think about it… just don’t think about it TOO long, or your fissure of Rolando (not to be confused with the fissure of the Amazing Rondo) might spilt open and make the inside of your skull look like a fuckin’ abattoir during the busy season.

Chaim refuses to sell his secret techniques to any country, no matter how high the offer, and opts instead to create a new Eden where people will never need to go hungry again. But, much like Newton’s third law of motion, the climate between Israel and Palestine is all about actions resulting in reactions. In the case of Chaim’s agricultural miracle method, it’s an all out air strike by hostile Palestinian military forces. Due to some nefarious sabotage, Israel is unable to get their own planes off the ground to mount a counter offensive, so from the outset it looks like our heroes are boned… until the sky goes completely black and the enemy planes start blowing up for no reason! All I can imagine are archangels wearing those old World War II helmets and firing anti-aircraft guns from the clouds. Anyway, amidst the turmoil, Buck (being an intrepid man-of-action reporter with a big manly name like BUCK!) does the gutsy tough guy thing and goes out amidst the chaos in his khakis to try and grab some exclusive footage for the ll o’clock hype reels. Dodging bad computer gen explosions and debris, he’s approached by an old beard-o who appears from nowhere, touches him, and says “Stephen King’s Thinner!”… not really, but that would’ve been a lot better than the mumbo jumbo he actually mutters about covenants and continued wars and 7 years of suffering and blah blah blah. Probably something about wanting “Murder She Wrote” back on the air, or some bitchery about how back in his day they didn’t have jet planes and everybody had to walk 200 miles barefoot in the snow to go to war.

Once he gets back to the States with his eyewitness account and regales everybody with his Tom Brokaw-like dedication to his craft, Buck’s contacted by an old buddy of his from reporter college named Dirk Burton – who has one of the most generic Action News names, second only to “Buck Williams”. Dirk’s onto something big, literally WORLD ENDING BIG, regarding shady dealings by a super mega jumbo conglomorate we’ll just call The Enterprising Villainous Industrialized Liasons Corporation, or “EVIL Co.” for short. Whatever Armageddoning shit he’s stumbled upon has Dirk’s normal paranoid delusions up from charming to alarming, as he’s got the bad movie stool pigeon sweats and manic air about him of a man who hasn’t slept (or probably washed his stank parts) in days. Though he makes sure to show Buck the hidden compartment in his watch where he keeps a mini-disc (that looks oddly like a watch battery…) filled with all of the evil evidence he’s collected on EVIL Co’s evil dealings of evil, he doesn’t feel safe actually giving the disc to Buck. It’s not because he doesn’t trust Buck, cuz why make the meeting in the first place if he didn’t? No, it’s so that when Dirk eventually winds up dead at the hands of EVIL Co’s evil corporate killers, Buck will know where to retrieve it from, cuz that’s how movies work. On a brief side note, the term “corporate killers” makes me imagine Iron Maiden’s Eddie is a power suit, which is fucking awesome.


(He has to return some videotapes.)

While on an airliner headed to London to attend an investigation on the attack on Israel, Buck becomes a witness to history when a panic suddenly breaks out amidst the passengers as various people just up and disappear, all leaving their clothing behind. The funniest part of course being that NOBODY saw ANY of this while it happened, thus saving the budget the massive strain of having to use any of that expensive Star Trek “phasing” effects tech. Unless there was some creepy naked flash mob planned for this particular flight, it looks like the Rapture has finally struck… or they’re all members of one of those nudist sky diving teams… and yes, that’s a thing. Go ahead and look it up! Just, you know, not at work or on the family computer. I don’t need any more tear stained letters by little kids who blame me for destroying their families. Anyway, despite being played by Charlie Church Fucker, Buck is NOT amidst those who get the one-way ticket to the pearly gates! Odd that someone who can’t orgasm without quoting bible verses while staring at one of those sad paintings of Jesus with the droopy eyes would allow himself to be in a movie where his character ISN’T one of the truly faithful who gets ascended from the get go. Looks like Kirk’s need to be the center of attention is more important than being a good Christian… I know one guy whose clothes won’t be empty come Judgment Day… unless he’s yanked out of them by a T-800 disguised as Alan Thicke before it tears out his intestines. Now THAT is a Judgment Day I think we can all get behind! 😀

Despite settling down the panicked passengers (with some help by Buck, of course), the plane’s pilot isn’t ready to risk potential escalating mob madness while they’re too far from anywhere safe to land, so he turns their ride around and heads back to the airport. This pilot becomes a big part of the story, so let’s take the time now to meet Mr. Rayford Steele (Brad Johnson).

Yep, if you thought we were going to have a character without a stupid name that you’d expect a Reb Brown character from a bad ’80s/’90s action movie to have, then you are a fool. A sad, naive little fool. Here’s some pity, fool. Now go eat it where no one has to look at you. There’s a good fool.

Ray is a typical suburban father of two. His wife (name withheld for lack of interest on my part) is a born again Christian who Ray openly mocks in front of her friends and loved ones. But, he doesn’t want to have to have alimony or child support yanked from his ass for the rest of his life, so instead of leaving his family he just opts to flirt it up with one of the airline’s stewardesses, Hattie (Chelsea Noble, real life wife of Kirk Cameron [despite not taking his last name like a good Christian woman would] and former co-star of his eye-gougingly awful sitcom “Kirk”). Hattie also happens to be a friend of Buck’s, and through said connection has earned herself a job working at the United Nations for some reason… because that’s the next loigcal step on the career ladder when you’re a sky waitress… She’s apparently in love with Ray, but as is the case with most mistresses, isn’t content with playing second banana (or clam?) to Mrs. Steele, so she’s hoping that leaving the airline will either convince Captain Dickbag to drop his old lady to be with her, or leave her free to pursue some international wang at her new position. This would explain why neither of these pillars of morality were invited to the big skinny dipping party at Jesus’s private grotto. It’s either the affair, or it could be because Ray ditched his son’s birthday party so he could fly the friendly skies of Pan(ty)Am instead. Everybody knows Jesus has issues with his dad for never showing up at any of his own birthdays. That can really leave a vindictive streak on a guy’s psyche.

When Ray returns home, he discovers that his betrothed and their boy were both ascended, but his college student daughter Chloe (Janaya Stephens) was, just like dear old dad, LEFT BEHIND! What did she do that was so wrong? Well, she’s attending a non-Christian college (dirty liberal whore!), she has a nose-piercing (probably a LESBIAN!), AND she also missed little what’s-his-name’s birthday because she had exams to take, so… I don’t know. I’m a friggin’ deity and even I don’t know what the secret code to spiritual worthiness is. I asked Osiris one day and he just gave me a piece of papyrus that said “up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start”.

Hoping that mom and Junior might just be at a shelter somewhere, Ray and Chloe start a search that ends at their local church. Though he doesn’t find his wife or son, Ray does run into the church’s pastor/preacher/priest/whatever Bruce Barnes (Clarence Gilyard), also LEFT BEHIND(!) because, while acting as his god’s salesman, he didn’t actually believe in the snake oil he was pushing (and missed his true calling as a pitcher for the Cubs if the fastball he beans a crucifix with is any indicator). So, even though he was freely sharing god’s Kool-Aid and made others believe (others who WERE ascended themselves, mind you), that’s not good enough for the egotist upstairs, and he left the disenfranchised recruiters like Bruce behind to wallow in the lakes of shit and fire alongside the heathens and heretics?! How the religious world gave up on far more forgiving deities like my own pantheon in favor of this self-centered, insecure, hateful old fart (who, yes, I’m WAY older than, thank you) will always be beyond even my grasp. I guess ignorance is just too great a bliss for some people to even consider giving up without throwing their hands over their ears and singing very loudly “OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD! HE REIGNS FROM HEAVEN ABOVE!” until the challenge of common sense just gives up and walks away.

When I found out that Buck wasn’t going to be a preachy a-hole like the actor playing him, I thought that we might be spared the heavy handed cranial bludgeoning that comes with most Christian based movies. Shit, if the star’s not going to spend the 90 or so minutes telling us how much the collective delusion loves you and wants to share nirvana with you, then maybe it won’t be so bad, right? Wrong. Though Buck’s not the preachy one of the cast, that’s LEFT BEHIND(!), errrr left up to Ray. Seeing that his wife was right this whole time about which horse to put her money on, he hedges his bets and tries to get behind Jesus in overtime, with the bible as his playbook. Can sucking up to his new best buddy ultimately save his ass from burning pitchforks and searing coal suppositories? Can he convince Chloe to go along with it and maybe save her soul a seat at the family reunion? I can’t muster the attention span to care. As such, let’s leave the Steeles to their bible thumpery and stick to the breadier parts of this garbage hoagie – BUCK WILLIAMS: REPORTER OF ACTION!

Actually, let’s kick Buck back onto the back burner for another paragraph or two and check out Mr. Nicolae Carpathia. For starters, Nick’s played by Gordon Currie. If, like yours truly, you’re a fan of Charles Band’s Puppet Master series, you’ll remember that installments 4 & 5 featured some goofy blond nerd named Rick stumbling upon Andre Toulon’s trunk of sinister sentient wonder toys and becoming the new holder of the title role. I hated Rick. At that point, Band was trying to brand the murderous marionettes as heroic figures to sell merchandise, so rather than drilling through people’s skulls and pulling their tracheas out through their eye-sockets, the puppets were fighting evil little totem monsters controlled by a huge foam rubber demon (who, ironically enough, looked like a giant muppet)… and the whole thing was a mess. Eventually Band would go back to what made the puppets great in the first place, with the exception of a Demonic Toys crossover (starring Corey fucking Feldman and that hot redhead from the “Weird Science” TV series) that summarily crushed the hopes and dreams of fans who had waited a decade of more for such an event to occur… thanks to funding from the SciFi Channel, if I remember correctly.

Sorry, any excuse to talk about Puppet Master instead of Revenge of Jesus and I had to make it last as long as I could. The point is, Rick was a shitty heir to the Toulon legacy and every time I see Gordon Currie I want to punch my toilet. Fortunately, I see him about as much as I find a random $20 bill in the pocket of an old pair of pants, so my toilets rarely need replacing. Now, back to Nicolae.

Nick is saintly gentleman with an ear-bleedingly bad Eastern European accent. Others refer to him as the new Mother Theresa, but much like the infamous “New Coke”, there’s something not right about Nick. He’s a close associate of Dr. Rosenzweig, and it’s this connection that has the interest of Nicolae’s financial backers – a pair of not-so-legitimate businessmen who want to use Nick’s relationship with Chaim to get their evil hands on Chaim’s miracle grow formula and corner the global food market! That’s right, Nicolae’s good deeds and charitable activities have been funded by the blood moneys of EVIL Co! There’s also some shit about building a temple in disputed Palestinian territory as some kind of effort to win Chaim’s favor because his formula will bring peace to the Middle East… or something… don’t ask cuz as much of a badass as I am at Clue™, I haven’t got clue 1 here. And as far as that “something not right” about Nicky, ask yourself this: why is it that someone who’s worked so hard to spread peace, love, and charity the world over wasn’t teleported to St. Peter’s office with the rest of Jesus’s good and faithful ones? Don’t strain yourself over it. Since this movie came out over a decade ago, I plan on taking a cue from the rampant bacteria living in my crisper drawer and SPOILING EVERYTHING! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Okay, let’s give the spotlight back to Buck, now. Thanks to his big reporter man expense account, Buck outbids an airport full of would-be commuters in hiring a private pilot to fly him from Chicago to New York for $25,000 (he better hope the GNN accountants were all god fearing Christian types reduced to piles of cheap suits!) so he can seek out Dirk and find out what else he knows about these Rapture shenanigans. As alluded to previously though, Dirk gets deaded up. Our hero finds the body, and the watch battery “storage device” is still in its hidden compartment. Dodging a sniper’s attempt on popping his noodle like a fucking blood balloon, Buck escapes the scene with the data. However, either this sniper dropped out of sniper school (he chooses to shoot a computer monitor when he has a perfectly good shot at the back of Buck’s skull, then pops several eye level items in the room while Buck’s squirming on the floor), or he was just meant to scare our protagonist, given the satisfied smile the shooter sports when his quarry eludes him. Or, maybe he was only getting paid to ice Dirk and he was just dicking Buck around for the fun of making the dingus piss himself. I could see terrorizing Kirk Cameron simply for the satisfaction.

After his (presumably) lesbian tech friends from GNN help him decode the info, Buckaroo heads back to Chicago, where he hooks up with an old CIA connection named Alan (Phillip Akin… mis-credited as Phillip Akon), who happens to be the last person Dirk emailed before his untimely passing of natural causes… cuz bullets are made from things found in nature and it passed right through his chest. What’s more natural than that? Al informs us that the government’s blaming the disappearances on long term radioactive activity on the planet that created freak pockets of Twilight Zone-y weirdness that randomly disintegrated people all over the globe… in the land, sea, and air… and left their clothes entirely unaffected… yeah… I really think alien abductions would probably have been more believable, but alien abductions wouldn’t give Nicolae the excuse to go in front of the UN and demand that the world disarm their nukes. Sure, any nuclear scientist will tell you that latent radioactivity can’t possibly disintegrate random Christians, but who’s gonna argue with nuclear disarmament? I mean, that can only end in peaceful results, right? Sound logic. Besides, there’s no place for scientists in a Jesus flick… except for Chaim… who’s an unknowing pawn for EVIL Co’s world domination schemes… because you can’t have a SCIENTIST, who’s also JEWISH, in a CHRISTIAN movie without him being either evil or easily duped into bringing about Armageddon. I thought there was something funny about a Jewish character being heralded as a hero whose discovery would feed the world’s hungry. As the saying goes though, the road to Hell isn’t paved with blacktop…

Speaking of good intentions, they certainly save Buck’s ass! After his meeting with Alan, his buddy offers him a ride. Buck stops to give some cantankerous old lady some beer money, while Alan’s bee-line to his car gets him a Sam Rothstein Special, inadvertently saving Buck from being blown into charred meat and bone fragments, all while that same sniper from earlier watches on and smiles approvingly. After the Steeles patch him up (him got a boo boo on him’s widdle weg) and pray to god to watch out for him, Buck heads back to NY to warn Chaim about the evil intentions of his nefarious benefactors. Chaim and new UN Secretary-General Nicolae show Buck their plans to build the new temple in Israel that’s going to doom the world, and invite him to attend a meeting with UN officials and Nicolae’s EVIL Co. financiers. Realizing that the thumpers have been right about the Armageddon all along, Buck takes a knee in the mensroom (you know what happens when someone’s on their knees in a place made for unrestricted dick exposure…) and uses his Phone-a-Friend to call in a favor from the all mighty. Little g (Seriously, he’s barely 5′ 2”. He just has all of his portraits made from a low angle to seem big and imposing) grants Buck his wish and allows him to keep his free will (iiiiiiiiroooooooooooonyyyyyyyyyyyy) during the coming meeting, where Nicolae reveals himself to be…. THE ANTICHRIST!… or, based on the mind control powers and possible telekinesis, he could just be a Sith Lord. It’s makes sense that a Russian guy would be the Devil, right? I mean, we all remember that passage in Revelation where it says “And the horned deceiver shall come from the land where car drives you!”, right?

Either way, Evil Nick shoots Businessman 1 and Businessman 2 in front of a room full of people, declares his intentions to rule/destroy the Earth, then mind wipes everybody with the story that Businessman 1 grabbed a guard’s gun (of which there were many who could have intervened if this was legit) and shot Businessman 2 before turning the gun on himself. Buck’s the only one who was able to see the truth because his brain was preserved by Jesus brand tin foil! Jesus brand tin foil – when you need to keep your gray matter safe from any toxic influences NOT emanating from official Jesus brand salesmen! Jesus and the Jesus brand are copyright of Jesus Co. Trust no imitators, only items bearing the Jesus label, sold by officially licensed Jesus Co. representatives!

Now Nick looks like a grieving hero (his two best buddies were using him to try and bankrupt the UN, then killed each other, after all), the remaining UN leaders are under his sole control, he’s well on his way to dethroning DiCaprio as king of the world, and Buck can’t say anything about the truth because he risks giving up his only advantage. Unable to do anything about these new events alone, he returns to Chicago (good thing he opted for the 48hr package, otherwise he’s be buying that pilot the nicest trailer in Hell!) to rejoin the Steeles and Bruce to start praying he can get a late pass through the pearly gates… which are always portrayed as golden, so I don’t know where the “pearly” part came from. And so, what could be building to an end-of-the-world showdown of The Stand-like proportions between the forces of good and evil will have to wait till next time, as this is only part one of the “epic” Left Behind movie trilogy. Will we see those other installments reviewed here? Who knows. I’m almost intrigued enough by the story to see how it plays out, but I really don’t know if I’m FOUR HOURS intrigued. Not to mentioned the additional 4-6hrs of time required to write two more reviews of THIS length, AND take screenshots for the whole donkey show. Let’s put this one to bed first, then we’ll talk about it later, okay kiddies?

Okay now, allow me to put aside all anti-religion biases so I can objectively judge Left Behind as a movie rather than just bash the dogmatic ignorance behind it. If it weren’t for the god apologist crap and the wrist slitting soundtrack of christian soft rock and the generic “sounds like it was taken from a ’90s Ninja Turtles movie soundtrack” hip hop theme that hits you out of nowhere like a kidney punch from a morning star (not even a joke, hear it for yourself and be awed!), this might’ve been a fun watch. Edit out the 20 or so minutes of “message” and not only do you get a more accessible flick, but you get a trimmer running time that feels like less of a drag.

Director Vic Sarin (not to be confused with the toxic gas of the same name) does a competent job with what he’s got. As you’d expect from a direct-to-video creation of the year 2000, visually you’d think you were watching an ABC Family original movie. Again, you’d expect that on this kind of budget, so lacking the slick Hollywood look of budgetary lubrication can’t really be held against it. Beyond giving it a pass for its appearance though, the dialogue can get into artery clogging zones of cheese and the acting is over-the-top. Not enjoyably over-the-top like an ’80s action movie or a Troma flick, but painfully overacted over-the-top. This cast feels like they were hired out of a small town community drama group, and even Cameron and Noble, who are supposed to be doing a passion project here, show very little of said passion. They should probably retire from acting and dedicate themselves to missionary work like “true” believers. Maybe the rest of us will luck out and they’ll wind up like the missionaries in Rambo? One can only pray. Cuz we got to pray just to make it today. We got to pray. Pray… please Hammer, don’t hurt ’em… let ME do it!

That was… very ’90s of me. I really need a drink.

Finally, I have little idea as to what I was referring to when I typed up the following paragraph (this review has been a week in the making and a LOT has distracted me in said week), and I couldn’t find anywhere to properly fit it into this review, but after reading it over a few times and not wanting to lose it, I’m just gonna end on it. Enjoy! –

But, as is the way with Left Behind, such is the way of religion – lure them into the windowless van with promises of love, acceptance, understanding, and an eternal afterlife in the Bahamas, then ferry them away into a musty locale, and force a Pandora’s Box of unpleasantness into every hole until their free will has been broken beyond recognition and they accept no one’s truth but yours. However, my doubly mammalian brain (I am half-simian and half-canine, after all) decries superstitions and mental hostage taking through threats of imagined spiritual torment. So, even as a supposedly impressionable lad/pup, I wasn’t one for taking on unfounded guilt and shame just because some old man who smelled like moth balls and beef bullion told me to. You can call it rebellion, you can call it sin, either way I’m happy, either way I win. I’m out like a boner in sweatpants.

The Moral of the Story: Everyone’s welcome in Jesus Land Theme Parks! Note: Jesus Land Theme Parks reserve the right to deny entry to the park if you have a pierced nose, make out with a stewardess while she’s on the clock, act as “god”’s mouthpiece but don’t eat the same shit you’re shoveling into others’ mouths, jerk off with thousand dollar bills, plot to rule the world, have a miscarriage-inducingly bad Eastern European accent, have ever skipped out on a child’s birthday party, or work for a tv news network whose call letters rhyme with “CNN”.
Jesus Land – where all of our water slides lead to SALVATION!

Screenshots_____

Doesn’t this violate that whole “separation of church and state” thing?


I see somebody’s still trying to figure out their caps lock key…


“You know what I hate, Jim? Large formations of fighter jets… there’s one right behind me, isn’t there?”


While watching the dailies for Left Behind the cast starts to wonder if they haven’t made a huge mistake…


“Come on grandpa! If you don’t let the shovel hit you in the balls we’ll never win the $10,000 grand prize for funniest video!”


“Yes, I realize my best friend’s name on the show was ‘Boner’, and yes, I realize what a ‘boner’ is. You’re only the 30th person to tell me that… TODAY.”


“It’s a sandwich, but they replaced the bread with pieces of FRIED CHICKEN! What don’t you understand?! THEY HAVE TO BE STOPPED!”


“Most people suggest hot coffee or warm tea every morning to stay regular. But for me, if I don’t have a piping hot cup of baby’s blood with my breakfast, I won’t have a bowel movement all day!”


“And Alex Kidd begot Sonic. Sonic begot Kid Chameleon. Kid Chameleon begot Streets of Rage. Streets of Rage begot Vectorman. Vectorman begot Ecco. Ecco begot Toe Jam and Earl…”


“So, you’re telling me you can travel through time with this single engine plane… but there’s NO sky diving grandma!?”
(Kudos to you if you got the reference on this one!)


I see someone didn’t learn his lesson from Superbad – never let drunk girls in mini-skirts lap dance you at a party!


So, she took out her nose piercing to appease Jesus, but JC’s totally down with ear piercings!? Fuck this religion!

LBP

Anubis will return next time in
“May the Krampus Never Cramp Us”

Enjoy the review? Hate the review? Have a movie you’d like to see judged in The Tomb? Fill out the feedback form! Never has it been easier to make contact with a deitic being!

All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don’t steal from this shit or we’ll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © October 1st 2013 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and The Tomb of Anubis, or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.

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