or “Ears for Fears”
If it weren’t for the Paramount+ free trial and the fact that there just aren’t enough “Q” flicks to review, I wouldn’t have watched this movie with a ten-foot pole… or whatever the visual equivalent of a ten foot pole would be… binoculars? Yeah, I guess that works. Okay, I watched this movie with binoculars. There you have it. Let’s get this over with!
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” – Man with Knife in Leg
Rather than picking up where we last left off, we’re eased into events with a 10 min. prologue that would’ve been much more fitting for the first feature. Starting at Day 1 of whatever the fuck cataclysm led to this whole rigmarole, the Abbotts were enjoying a Norman Rockwellian/small town America/idyllic afternoon at the baseball diamond before being interrupted by a massive fireball lurching across the sky. No word on if there was any smoke on any nearby water, however. Before anyone can figure out what in Gary Busey’s g-string is happening, the monsters materialized seemingly from nowhere, turning Main Street USA into a culling ground. Amid the chaos, the entire nuclear protagonist family unit managed to escape (though we’re not shown HOW) despite numerous close calls with their would-be destroyers. In other words, they each made sure to put on their plot armor underpants that morning.
So, whereas the first movie pretty much left the sonar-powered murder machines’ background a mystery (a choice which, as you’ll recall, burrowed its way into my soul like a tick and drained my will to live), here we’re given the impression that they’re extraterrestrial in origin. Okay. The only brain-bursting problem with that, is HOW IN THE BLOODIEST OF EVENT HORIZON HELLS DID THEY MANAGE TO TRAVEL ACROSS SPACE AND DISCOVER OUR PLANET IF THEY CAN’T FUCKING SEE?!
I almost feel bad for the poor neglected bastard beasties because, despite having three fathers that wrote them into existence, all three went out for cigarettes and never came back: leaving them weak, frail and underdeveloped against the predatory advances of logic hungry movie reviewers like moi. But, the herd must be thinned. Cue “The Circle of Life”.
FF>> to the present day, right where we left off last movie. Following the events of A Quiet Place (which I can’t/won’t spoil here), the Abbotts set out barefoot and beyond the MILES of sand paths they’ve spread in search of new real estate. Oooh, I hope they move into a haunted house! What a twist! Anyway, they pick up a new ally and a whole new set of problems (including a lot of cheap “blow out your speakers” jump scares), leading up into another 90 min of “why aren’t these people dead yet?!” nonsense. The new guy they hook up with doesn’t know sign language though, so there’s less subtitles to read, but a lot more aggressive whispering to piss you off.
Despite its focus on drama and trying to be artsy, the previous story ended on a hilariously bad action movie shot of Emily Blunt doing her best Sarah Connor, cocking a shotgun and striking a generic “Bring it on, motherfucker!” grrrl power pose. If you loved the low-key, drama heavy, introspective blah blah that A Quiet Place put all of its chips on, then you’re in for a disappointment with this follow-up, because that action movie energy carries over into Part II with the vengeance of a Hollywood test audience. Oddly enough? I prefer it that way. Not much mind you, but still.
Whether Tinseltown tries to go full Aliens with this double-feature and force its evolution (via a Mainstream Stone) into a full-on sci-fi action franchise is yet to be seen. But if it does (and Paramount+ has another free trial offer by then), I’m kinda obligated to review it, right?
For now, having bitched my way through both flicks, it’s off to (hopefully) greener pastures for your favorite Death God!
…No, not Veles, you prick! I meant ME! Toodles, ya tit-fuckers!
Moral of the Story: Only rednecks will survive the apocalypse. Seriously, these movies are just “The Walking Dead”/Cormac McCarthyism survivalist power fantasies with needlessly complicated antagonists and less cannibals. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Two-and-a-Half Bobby Darins out-of-Five
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